Everything Was Going Great…Until It Wasn’t

The Year I Came Home to Myself – Part 5

Everything Was Going Great…Until It Wasn’t

The book was drafted.
LightFORCE was done.
I was in a relationship with someone I loved.

And I crashed.
Hard.

The momentum that had carried me through the grief, the rebuild, the breath, the breakthroughs, it vanished.

It wasn’t a dramatic fall. It was a slow leak.
Energy gone. Clarity gone. Nervous system fried.

People asked me how it felt to be done the book.
“Empowering,” I’d say.
But what I meant was: “I don’t know who I am without something to fight my way through.”

This was supposed to be the easy part.

But here’s what no one tells you about integration:
It doesn’t always feel like peace.
It can feel like nothing’s working.

You climb a mountain, and the view is beautiful.
Then your body says, “Cool. Now lay down and shut up.”

And I didn’t want to lay down.
I wanted to keep producing, keep helping, keep proving I’d made it through.

But I hadn’t.
I was still in it.
And worse, now people were looking at me like I had answers.

I was leading sessions I didn’t feel qualified to hold. (Which wasn’t true)
Giving advice I wasn’t taking.
Trying to model nervous system regulation while low-key dissociating before every call.

There were days I’d pace my kitchen for an hour before going live.

Clicking through Spotify like a man on fire, hoping one playlist might fix the spin.

Washing already clean dishes just to keep my hands moving.

Drinking cold coffee and forgetting where I put my phone while it buzzed in my hand.

I was living inside the book I wrote.
But some days, I couldn’t feel a single word of it.

The relationship got harder too.

Sadie and I weren’t in the playful voice-note honeymoon anymore.
We were in the real stuff.
Stress. Misunderstandings. Triggered nervous systems trying to communicate across a border and two very different histories.

She was still my best friend.
But the space between us started to feel jagged.

I’d say “I’m fine,” and shut down.
She’d ask for connection, and I’d disappear into productivity.

We were both trying.
But trying doesn’t always mean syncing.

Sometimes I’d open my mouth to speak and just close it again.
Not because I didn’t care, because I didn’t know how to name what was happening inside me.

The breathwork that used to center me felt like a performance.
Like I was doing a bad impression of myself on a better day.

We had to start again.
Breath by breath.
Two things at a time.

The book was about momentum.
But I was learning that contraction is part of the rhythm too.

The part where everything slows.
Where your nervous system says: “If you want to lead from truth, you better live it first.”
Where you stop getting praised for surviving and start figuring out how to show up when no one’s watching.

And it felt painful.
Because I thought I was past this part.

I thought the book would end the story.
But all it did was clear the stage.

And in the middle of all that:
Sadie said, “I think it’s time.”
Time to come.
Time to try.
Time to see if this love could hold in real life.

I said yes.
But I was scared.
Not of her. Not of us. But of me.

Could I really show up?
Could I be in the room for my own life?

I booked the ticket.
Vancouver Island to Oklahoma.
One-way. No backup plan.
Just a few bags, a breath, and a yes.

Because sometimes love doesn’t wait until you’re ready.
It just shows up and says: “Come anyway.”

Part 6 drops November 4th
We hit the road.
Together.
Oklahoma to Vancouver Island.
3,000 miles.
Ceremony in Vegas.
Kya in the backseat.
No map for this kind of ride.

It’s not the story I expected.
But it’s the one that called me forward.

Until next time, one breath, one kind action, repeat.
🧡 Ben

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I am so excited to get to say that my book: 2 Things To Do Today: Healing Without the Hustle. Will be available in early 2026! Its happening people! Updates coming soon!

If you’ve read Part 1, 2, and 3, thank you for staying with me.
If not, start here:

If you haven’t read where this story begins, read Part 1:
The Year I Came Home to Myself- Part1

Part 2 is about my chosen family and how they helped me pushed through fear

Becoming the Man I Was Afraid to Be-The Year I Came Home to Myself – Part 2

Part 3 is the about the love I wasn’t looking for..

I Didn’t Want a Relationship. I Wanted My Life Back. The Year I Came Home to Myself – Part 3

Part 4 - Is 2 minutes really enough?

2 Minutes a Day Saved My Life (Again)-The Year I Came Back to Life – Part 4

Read these ones if you want some good nervous system tools:

Why we can force our way to calm….

Stop Trying To Calm Down- Why You Can’t Relax (and How Your Brain Can Learn To)

Lessons from a 12 year old….

It Wasn’t About the Socks-What Controlling My Kid Taught Me About Letting Go

If you want to know how I started building rhythm again, check out:
Rhythm vs Rules – 2 Things Tuesday

Motivation ghosting you check out:

The Myth of Motivation- Why Willpower Burns Out and Rhythm Doesn’t